Light's Regard
by Kirabaros
Summary: Dean reflects upon what happened and why he'd rather keep the good, the bad and the ugly. Tag to Regarding Dean.


**Light's Regard**

 _My name is Dean Winchester. My brother's name is Sam Winchester. My mother's name is Mary Winchester. My best friend is an angel named Cas. My brother's wife and my best girl is Angela de Medici and they have a daughter…_

Those are the important things. My family. And I came close to losing all memory of them.

My name is Dean Winchester. I couldn't even remember that. How could anyone forget their name sans the whole amnesia crap? I did and I ended up forgetting the most important people in the world to me. And it was all because of some witch.

I hate witches. And before you start, I don't count my Hale in that. She is different. She's not like those witch bitches who hurt good people. She tries to help them and using her powers. Plus it's a bit exciting when we… you know. Anyway, it was a witch that did this to me and I ended up ganking him and his two siblings.

It didn't reverse the hex but it did give us a chance ad for Rowena to lift the curse. I'll admit that she came through for us though in reversing the spell. Though I think it had more to do with the fact she got revenge on the witches since that is who she is. And if I were some semblance of myself, I would have demanded for Hale and I would have called Kess, Cas, whoever to get her there. I have no doubt that Hale's Celtic juju thing would top Rowena. At least Sam knows how to handle that pistol.

In the end, I'm glad I have my memory back since living without remembering the things that matter the most…It isn't worth living. That certainly was made clear when we got home. The first thing I did was go and give Angie a hug and a kiss (brotherly mind you) and leave her surprised to go see little Jess. I just had to see her.

I know Jess is Sam and Angie's kid and I tell ya the three of them together you can slap on a Hallmark card or something. But when I saw that tiny little mass of wrinkles (actually she was adorable), I just… She was and is a bundle of light and I think at that moment I understood what Sam meant about the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know for sure but I'll be damned if anything, human or nonhuman hurt her. I know Angie and Sam would go ape shit but they aren't alone. I'm not stupid since I know Cas and Kess and of course the hell mutts will go to town.

Anyway… seeing Jess and I couldn't contemplate not knowing her and everything that happened that came to her to be. It sort of happened to Sam and that whole mess with Becky Rosen. I know it had to irk Sam since it made it seem like Angie never existed since he looked at me like I was crazy but I think the one who understands the most is Angie.

To this day, she still doesn't remember everything that happened when she was made into mini Angie. There are a few choice memories but they aren't what you think. It wasn't voluntary like when she asked those Romani folks to remove her memories way back when so it was different. She lost two to three months of her life and yet she carried on like it was nothing but I know that it had to bother her. She's just that way with the whole not showing people even though that is hard with Sam around since those two have a thing that is just crazy.

Actually it is not so crazy. It's damn useful at times and… It is another reminder of why I said what I said to Sam about the memory spell thing. I mean, there are a lot of things that I would rather forget. I want to forget the crap that had happened the last few years. The whole thing with the Mark of Cane… the earlier stuff, being a demon… the blood… I want to forget it. I mean that is a lot of baggage to carry and in all honesty I have no right to complain since Angie suffered more and she still is the better person.

It did seem like a godsend but if it means that it wipes out the good things in my life, then I don't want any part of it. What good is it worth if the things that you keep fighting for are gone, that you have no idea who or what they are?

 _Dean?_

I can say one thing definitely. I can always count on Angie to find me or Sam and talk to us about what is going on. On a cynical note, yeah she could because at some point in her long life she came across a similar situation. I know she's been to hell and was tortured and one of those times she suffered alongside Sam. That's the more obvious. On the other hand, she has that experience and offers it if we ask and pushes when it merits it. For the most part, she talks to us and lets us do the talking and it has a way of working out.

 _Life is the sum all things: the good, the bad and the ugly._

After everything and just standing there, looking at Jess in her crib with her mother, I know that Angie is right. As much as it sucks that I remember all the bad things that have happened and the things that I've done… I'm glad I still have it because… maybe Rowena was right in saying that everything I've done was for this greater good crap. I mean it doesn't make it better though for some it might but I get what Angie has been telling me and Sam for a long time and the why she does things the way she does. Also those things had a motivation behind them and they are pretty selfish since Sam and Angie, family are the motivation but also I am saving people and if I forgot the crap then I'd forget the motivation.

I think I now understand what Angie meant about looking at everything and then making the best choice possible. There are things that I'm going to have to do and some of it I'm not gonna like but… I keep in mind what I fight for and it's staring up at me with Sam's eyes and it it's Sam, Angie, my best friend Cas, Mom… and everyone that is a friend and claims friendship. This experience isn't going to go away but I guess it can affect how I do things. I'm not saying that I'm going to be perfect from here on out since that is stupid but I can try to understand more about what I do and the why.

And riding Larry was pretty awesome.

* * *

 **A/N:** Dean reflects upon what happened to him when the hex nearly cost him his memory. Tag to Regarding Dean. ENjoy!


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